For a while I found that I had stopped dreaming big and instead became complacent. This year in Edinburgh, I've started dreaming again — these beautiful dreams about who I want to be, what I want to do, and where I want to go. But somehow, without knowing it, my mind shifted these down-the-road dreams to right now dreams. As in if-you-don't-accomplish-all-these-dreams-right-now-you-never-will. Somewhere deep in my conscious the lie has been simmering that because I haven't accomplished everything right now I've already failed.
This lie bubbled up yesterday and you know what it led to (besides a sobbing Skype call to my mother)? It led me to recognize that I had replaced peace with worry, trust with impatience, and wonder with frustration. Ultimately, and this one's the real kicker, it stripped me of any grace I might be tempted to give myself.
Writing it all out, it seems ridiculous. Dreams are meant to be big, they're meant to take time to accomplish. But I felt it friends, deep within me, this sense that I haven't reached my full potential because I can still only speak one language, cook three solid meals, and am not "the best" at, well, anything right now.
In reality, everything doesn't have to happen right now. I've been afraid "not now" means never, but it doesn't. It means walking one day at a time in grace, peace, and hope. It means embracing the present and laughing at what's to come. Not now can still mean some day.
So today, this very moment in fact, I'm choosing to dream big without the unrealistic timeline. I'm aiming for contented anticipation mixed with a heaping serving of grace. Join me?