My heart was breaking.
My prayers were answered. God would not allow me to be complacent on this trip, to fall into a monotonous pattern of leading teams.
Even now as I write this, tears come to my eyes as I struggle with God's plan in all of this.
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" -Matthew 6:26
Aren't they? Aren't they more valuable, more beautiful, more lovely than any bird could ever be.
Yes, one thousand times yes.
And yet here are these sweet children in my arms. I feel every bone in their body as they smile up at me, groggy eyed, ready to fall asleep from a lack of nutrition.
He provides. I know in my heart He provides, but I still struggle with how and when?
I struggle to merge my world with theirs. (In Haiti when someone says I'm hungry, the response is, "You could eat. But, you're not hungry until you've gone four days without food.")
I struggle to understand God's plan, His provision.
I struggle with the opportunities I am given that so many others will never see.
I struggle with areas that were once so black and white, but seem to have turned gray.
I struggle with my constant selfishness even when face to face with these kids who materially have nothing.
I struggle with the hardness of Haiti. The hardness of the people, the culture, the heat, the poverty both materially and spiritually.
And in the midst of these struggles, these questions that have become a part of me, I know God is there. He is with me and He is with Haiti.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?" -Matthew 6:25
"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." -James 1:27
"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me." -Psalm 23:4